From a letter by writer Norman Mailer in 1957

I thought this was profound writing: "...somehow I just don't believe in myself the way I used to, and indeed, worst of all, it doesn't even seem terribly important. I'm beginning to have the tolerance of the defeated - people I would have despised a few years ago now seem bearable - after all, I say to myself, I haven't done very well with all the luck I had, and perhaps I do wrong to judge them. Naturally these states proliferate. The desire to work recedes, and as it recedes one welcomes the depression of not working which increases the difficullty to begin work again, and it gets to be a drag. You know I think of these miserable years since the war and how everyone I know has been diminished by it, their rebellion tempered, their caution swollen to cowardice, their malice to hatred, until the worse of all is that I get close at times to thinking that perhaps we have overrated the possibilities of people, and then life becomes dreary indeed. Forgive the tirade. You have your depression, I have mine (I too am smoking again)..." Having been unemployed for awhile, and fancying myself a writer and yet never writing anything decent, I can totally relate...:)

Interesting Article on Consciousness

http://discovermagazine.com/2008/oct/15-could-an-inner-zombie-be-controlling-your-brain/?searchterm=an%20inner%20zombie%20controlling%20your%20brain

Required Reading

I think everyone who votes should have read "Mein Kampf" by Adolf Hitler first. Granted, I only read it recently, and therefore I have voted before reading it myself. However, this is the work of an evil genius, written several years before he started his quest to take over the world, and World War II. If people had read this book, and taken it seriously, this guy could have been quashed before he got started. This guy does not pull any punches in the book. He very clearly lays out his hatred for the Jewish people and his grandiose ideas of an Aryan race and his nationalism. However, it was probably hard to take the guy seriously, because the style of the book IS so grandiose. But he laid it all out- it's all out there- no surprises should have ensued from what happened. He was honest about his intentions, and he followed through. I just recently watched again (for the umpteenth time) "Saving Private Ryan." I get chills watching the storming of the beach- war is hell, and anyone who glorifies it is psycho. But those guys were heroes- they are the ones who stopped Hitler, ultimately- normal, enlisted guys who in any other generation would have grown up to have families and careers, but instead were cut short in the primes of their lives fighting against the biggest, most horrific evil person who has ever lived and had power, and actually, they were vindicated with the fall of Germany and the destruction of Hitler. But anyone who is quick to compare Barack Obama to the antichrist (and yes, there ARE crazy people out there doing just that) are sorely uninformed about history. History that occurred not even a century ago- history that is remembered by thousands of people who lived through it- the Holocaust, the fighting, etc. Certainly the spirit of antichrist could not have been more embodied by Hitler- a man who sought to wipe out, and almost did wipe out, the chosen people of God himself. I don't understand why so many people who claim to believe in Jesus Christ advocate positions that are antithetical to everything Jesus taught in the Gospels. I don't understand how someone who seeks to end the atrocities of war, and is for "peace on earth," can be considered anti-Jesus. Jesus himself said, "Blessed are the peacemakers." Granted, there are just wars. And the ones who actually do the fighting are not at fault, and in fact ARE the ones who should be praised for laying their own lives on the line for the leaders of our nations. "Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do or die"- that has been the mantra of our soldiers for generations. But it should never be that the people who elect the leaders don't believe it is their place to question why. For in fact, it IS our DUTY to question why. And if we are indeed a Christian nation, to actually start following the teachings of Jesus Christ in deed and not in word only.

"On Liberty and Utilitarianism"

John Stuart Mill, in this book, says: "In this age, the mere example of nonconformity, the mere refusal to bend the knee to custom, is itself a service. Precisely because the tyranny of opinion is such as to make eccentricity a reproach, it is desirable, in order to break through that tyranny, that people should be eccentric." I used to totally agree with this. But now I'm thinking, what does it mean to be eccentric, and is that something that you can just decide to be? Many people would say that anyone who bucks the "cultural elite" is an eccentric. So someone like Sarah Palin, who does not follow the "custom" of being intellectually curious and aware of current affairs, is she eccentric? Or is Mill talking about the stereotypical "mad scientist" eccentric, like an Einstein? Furthermore, does it matter? And is it even relevant today? More later...

Communism = Anti-Intellectualism?

In my last post I wrote about how the glorification of "Joe Six Pack"-ism is comparable to Communism. Obviously that's a rhetorical exaggeration- but there is some truth to it. From all appearances, Sarah Palin is, in fact, intellectually "uncurious," much like George W. Granted, she did a lot better in last night's debate than many thought. But still there was the glaring lack of substance and refusal to answer with specifics, and the "I'm just a simple hockey mom" stance. This, in my mind, is indicative of the larger anti-intellectualism pervasive on the right. I don't know when it happened that being intelligent, having intellectual curiosity, knowing about our country's history, being aware of what is going on in the world and wanting to know more, and being able to articulate it somehow became something people should be embarrassed about. When is it that being a "C" student became something to be proud of, and the "A" students should hang their heads in shame because they are culturally elite or some other such nonsense? One of the major horrific accomplishments of communism was the purging of the intellectuals- the glorification of the uneducated, and perhaps, the ones able to be easiest led like lambs to their own slaughter. Those in charge knew that it was key to get rid of those who knew something. It should never be an embarrassment to be aware of the world, to be curious about it, to know something, and to be proud of knowing something. It should be something we all aspire to, within our own intellectual limits, and something considered to be an accomplishment.

Sarah Palin Makes Dan Quayle Look Like Einstein

Warning- this is a political post: I'm sorry, but I am embarrassed, as a woman, by Palin's recent gaffes while interviewed by Katie Couric (who is not exactly known for her hard-hitting, difficult journalism). Palin clearly did not have any idea about any Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade. Come on, Brown v. Board of Education, anyone? Even Bush v. Gore would've worked. But no, she couldn't come up with one. Couldn't come up with the name of a newspaper she reads on a regular basis either. I guess following the example of Bush Jr., who doesn't have time to read! (And there's more, such as Palin's inability to point out any example of McCain's attempt at financial regulation, totally "forgetting" his attempts to rein in Freddie and Fannie, inexplicably.) Palin is proud of herself as a "Joe Six Pack," she says. I'm sorry, but I don't want "Joe Six Pack" anywhere near the White House. Ask ultra-conservative Justice Scalia, were the founding fathers Joe Six-Packs? Were George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and John Adams Jr. Joe Six-Packs? Are we going to continue the glorification of the dumbing down of America? Let's call a spade a spade. Joe Six Pack is NOT qualified to be the number two man or woman in America. A country where Joe Six Pack is just as good as Abraham Lincoln is a country that has caved in to Communist theory. Where the average uneducated, unknowledgable, and intellectually "uncurious" worker is just as qualified and as prepared to be in high executive office as the high school dropout who works on the line. Is this truly the kind of equality we want in America? Do we want more cringeworthy moments; or more convoluted explanations of what Palin "really meant"? Is this really the best woman for the job?

Notes on Consciousness

What I think is that consciousness in the sense of intending, being the author of the action, etc., is a byproduct of higher brain function. Like a virtual reality system. Consciousness only has access to certain brain functions. So the "narrator"(or the subjective "I") isn't just reading what's really going on. The narrator only has access to certain parts of the story, and has to guess at the whole thing. It can easily be deceived. There's proof that there's a strong sense of authorship when the intent occurs virtually simultaneously with the act, even though the act can be proven to be caused by something else. Which suggests that the "narrator" is deceived into thinking it caused the act, and vice versa. Studies have shown that when the brain is hooked up to electrodes that measure intention, that those electrical brain signals cause a slide to be moved BEFORE the person's conscious choice occurs to m0ve a slide. So how can there be any real authorship, although obviously it WAS the person's decision even if they are not aware of it. (who's else could it be?) In other words, consciousness attributes authorship to the person where there is none, and denies it, when there IS- all based on timing, rather than reality. So the bottom line is, the conscious mind attributes authorship, but it only has limited access to what is really going on. So much of the time, it is mistaken, science has shown us. Everything happens automatically- the times we think we're intending are because the awareness has access to info that makes it seem that way, even though it's not reality.

Here's the link-

http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2008/04/mind_decision

Objectivism and Ayn Rand

I've been reading Ayn Rand's writings and I agree with some parts of Objectivism- but its bases are scientifically wrong. We have no free will- we can't consciously choose anything, and we can't know our own motivations for sure- let alone someone else's (see the link). So yes, there may ultimately be a rational and irrational side to every coin, but we don't choose to act rationally, we either do or don't. So one can be better or worse than another, but not of one's conscious choice. So can someone be praised or blamed then? It's like praising someone for being beautiful. Nothing is exempted from causation - no human will outisde a human brain- which obviously is what it is because of genetics and environment, and personality and character come from the brain. So if I have a high IQ but am lazy, well why is it that the IQ is out of my hands but the laziness isn't? It IS. All reason/rationality is - is a form of action that is conducive to achieving one's goials. Is it rational to eat a cake if you want to lose weight? No- so it is "bad"- but if you desperately need to gain weight, it is "good." We can say it is bad to eat a cake if you're on a diet, but not that YOU are bad, b/c you have no conscious control over whether you do or don't. I'm attracted to her (Ayn Rand's) thoughts that no one should apologize for being smarter or having more ability, that some things and qualities ARE better than others, but how can someone realistically be proud of being an intellectual thinker, if that was her or his destiny? I guess what does it matter? All that matters is that you are content about it- whatever you tell yourself about it. Being resentful b/c you're "better" and everyone envies you or is intimidated by you doesn't get you "justice." Justice being- the treatment you think you deserve. But the world is not "fair," it just "is." In reality, what does it matter WHAT the motivation is behind not being "accepted" by the crowd. As if it even exists. "Motives" are just what we tell ourselves - our ostensible "reasons." The bottom line is - being rejected for whatever reason, but it's just a matter of chemistry- not choice. People who are alike are drawn together- birds of a feather. Most people are average, so the "crowd" is the average, and if you're not average, you don't fit in. That's the bottom line. Mediocrity and laziness shouldn't be praised, though, and since conditioning works, we all operate as though we have free will- people should strive to learn and do their best, and perhaps their programming will change. I admire Ayn Rand immensely. She just didn't have the advantage of modern cognitive neuroscience which proves her theory of free will wrong. But still, for all intents and purposes, we must act as though we have free will, it is a necessary fiction, so she's correct, in some sense. But to deny genetics and environment IS irrational. It's the reason you are who you are, and of course, some people think they are better than most but it's not a "real" achievement of theirs on a metaphysical level, b/c everything that's brought them to where they are was not their "choice." In that sense, theologians like John Calvin, and Jonathan Edwards, among others, were right, way before their time, way before science proved them right. At the same time, what "choice" do we have other than to blame or praise the "actor"? After all, we can't isolate all the "causes," and the fact remains, the PERSON who does this or that (no matter the ultimate reason) remains the actor, and thus, the "agent" who can be evaluated as better or worse than other agents, regardless of the reasons why.

Kafka

I've read a lot of Kafka, and a lot about him. He suffered so much in his short life. And I think I've figured something out about him and people like him. The sad thing (one of many sad things) about him is how he "threw his pearls before swine"- with Felice, to whom he was engaged twice but never married. He allowed himself to be upset by her, blaming himself, always apologizing, so insecure, etc. She was someone who simply could not appreciate his genius or suffering, or his interests. Just a shallow, stupid woman. He just wanted to believe the best about people, that they could appreciate and really care about the world and its sufferings, because it's hard when one realizes how most people don't. Then he blamed himself for not being good enough, to capture her attention or love. But why did he blame himself if she (like a "swine") didn't appreciate the jewels he had and tried to give her? Because they were essentially two different beings- he was one of the aware ones and she was one of the deluded- they never could communicate or understand each other. Neither should be blamed. But inevitably, it's the aware, sensitive one who is upset, who feels like a failure, who beats himself up, while the objectively inferior, deluded one is blissfully unaware and happy. It doesn't feel like it's fair. Kafka had so many jewels, but mostly swine around him. He thought that he was wrong, unworthy, weird, defective, etc., because he was so unlike them. He found life unbearable, because he was so sensitive and aware- he could not tune out the suffering of the world, he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, and thus it turned into his own suffering. But there has to be a benefit to being aware and sensitive. Because of his ability and intelligence, it would have been easy for him to manipulate people to get his own way. The problem was that since he was aware, he was also sensitive and compassionate and the least likely person to WANT to manipulate or get revenge. So I don't know, honestly, what the benefit is to being like he was. He certainly did not benefit during his life, and died a painful death of tuberculosis at age 42, before he became the famous person he did years after his death when new generations discovered and appreciated his genius. But while he was alive, did he ever benefit? Was he ever really happy or content? I guess I don't know. I just find it sad.

Consciousness

I've been very interested in cognitive neuroscience lately and how it relates to consciousness. There's been a few studies done proving that free will does not exist. Proving that "consciousness" lags almost a full second behind the brain's decision to do anything, even to think. Consciousness is just pattern recognition and self-awareness, awareness of what we're doing, what separates us from the animals, and gives us an identity. But "we'' are always one step, (or almost one second) behind the game- utterly powerless to change it or do anything differently. So "we" are not in control- "we" just exist and are watching. The programming of the brain is automatic- through genetics and conditioning (experience) that just happens to it. It's the brain's job to make sense of consciousness- and it doesn't make sense. This IS all there is, but there's nothing that can be done. Life is lived THROUGH is, not BY us, and that's it!

Kierkegaard Quote

In the paper today was a quote from Kierkegaard, one of my favorite philosophers: "It is a very curious thing about superstition. One would expect that a man who had once seen that his morbid dreams were not fulfilled would abandon them for the future; but on the contrary they grow even stronger just as the love of gambling increases in a man who has lost in a lottery." Strangely enough, I have to disagree with his conclusion. I don't think it's odd at all. Human nature is such that we persevere above and beyond the point of rationality, to get what we want. The more we are thwarted in our endeavors, the harder we seem to try. Maybe because it is a challenge, and if we do indeed succeed, the sweeter the success the harder it was. Or maybe it is that we think that if we keep trying, hoping, wishing, etc., eventually we HAVE to get whatever it is we want. Ignoring the saying that the height of ridiculousness is to keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results- from experience we know that sometimes we DO get different results after doing the same thing over and over again. Maybe only once in 100 times, but still, there IS that chance. I think it's one of the things that keeps us going as humans- the ability to hope and to try, beyond all reason.

George Carlin Wisdom

I remember that George Carlin once said in one of his comedy routines, something like: "I know the meaning of life is that I'm here to help others. What I want to know is what are the others here for?" This makes me laugh, but it is also somewhat profound. I am interested in what other people believe the meaning of life is. What is the actual MEANING, as opposed to platitudes like "we're here to help others." Because helping others can never be an end in itself. Since if there were no other people, then what would the meaning of your life be? Is it contingent on having other people around? What if you are a total invalid, or institutionalized, and have no friends or family, and no capability to even help others? What is the meaning of your life then? I hope some people will comment on this! Because I am really interested. Thanks!!

God as "Co-Pilot"

I had to laugh today- I saw a bumper sticker that said "God is my co-pilot." Actually, I felt more like crying. Since when is the Almighty God relegated to the "co-pilot" status? How nice of you to let him "help" you drive. Yeah yeah I know that is not the intention behind the sticker...but the reality is, the effect to me is: "I am in charge of my life, I am the captain of my own ship. I call my own shots. Only if I decide to ALLOW God to help co-pilot will he do so, and look at how good I am, I let God help me out!!" Oh, the bitter irony of it all...

Some Ideas About Anxiety

These thoughts are based on the premise that anxiety is caused by the fight or fight syndrome (or variations of it). I don't pretend that I know what I'm talking about!! But these are some of my ideas based on my own self-education... Emotions ARE chemicals. They aren't caused by chemicals and they don't cause chemicals. What happens is the body senses stimuli, and reacts, and if it's a danger it releases fight/flight chemicals. You feel them as fear and so you act. You can't feel the fear if the chemicals aren't there. It's not a result of the chemicals- it IS the chemical reaction. So one equals the other. Therefore it is insane to think we can control our chemicals by thoughts. They can only be controlled indirectly. If, for example, a happy person with a lot of a certain chemical, such as oxytocin, has that chemical blocked, he'll turn sad- regardless of the situation or his "attitude." The people with good attitudes simply have more of those chemicals, either naturally, or with medicines or drugs, or their brains were conditioned to associate certain stimuli with a reason to release those chemicals. Simple. Emotions are chemicals and they exist. Thoughts are "reasoning about stuff" and have no effect on the chemicals directly. Someone conditioned to fear dogs will always have the fight/flight chemical present when a stimulus of a dog is presented- no matter if it's a threat for real or not. They can't reason their way past it. If the chemicals are there, you feel it, period, unless you're brain damaged. They can be conditioned away, learn to ignore the feeling, which takes a lot of work, or blocked with other chemicals, or the brain can be tricked into not recognizing the stimuli and thus not releasing the chemicals. But just thinking your way out of anxiety doesn't work.

Immanuel Kant

WARNING!!- This post may make you think that I am a bitter cynic and jaded with life....if so, so be it...it doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't be full of optimism and hope for humanity!! If nothing else, I hope people get out of this blog that opinions are just that, opinions, and they also have the uncanny ability to make people mad, depressed, worried, concerned, disconcerted, etc. So please, don't write saying "I'm praying for you," or "You need to seek help,"- because this blog is supposed to be all about life, the ugliness of it as well as the beauty. I feel as though I have to preface some of my comments to reassure people that I'm OK, that I enjoy debating, arguments, and opinions for their own sake, and that I do not necessarily BELIEVE in everything I write (as though it matters anyway) but that I enjoy provocative discussion (maybe the lawyer in me?). It's not SUPPOSED to be safe and bland. SO anyway, that's my story and I'm sticking to it!! Everyone acts because it in some way gives pleasure or they wouldn't act- we cannot get past our selfishness and why should we not accept it? Everything is done because we value something else enough to go through the "bad" part of it. As far as Immanuel Kant's theory, doing an act disinterestedly, under duty, is the only way the act is moral. But that act isn't moral either. If you hate an act but do it out of duty, it's because in some way, you prefer "doing your duty" and the accolades or reprieves it gets you over the bad ramifications of not doing it. A truly moral act would be one undertaken that gives the actor no good OR bad feeling at all. But I can't see how that's possible. It would just be random and meaningless. No one does good acts for no reason. At the least they want "brownie points" with God for the next life. Or they just want to "feel good" by helping. Another conditioned societal trait. It wouldn't feel good to give to the poor if we didn't have it drilled into us how important "alms-giving" is, for good works. It shouldn't be surprising. Like all animals, we strive to the extent possible to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. The difference is, we rationalize the acts, think about them, analyze them to death and come up with elaborate reasons why we act in the ways in which we do.

Camille Paglia

I've been reading some of her recently. I don't agree with a lot of her views, but I do believe in her brand of feminism. In that- toughness, no special treatment, being able to do as much as a man, as good, with no "handicap" treatment. There should be no allowances in the workplace for soccer games, sick kids, etc.- a feminist woman should want to be, and should be, held to the same standard as the most accomplished man. And Paglia celebrates and promotes anything that rebels against society, the "norm," with some type of existential protest against our biological destiny-to the extent it can be done. Of course, any of that is simply THAT person's biological (genetic) aberration, or environmental conditioning, etc. But still, to be different, and unabashed about it - she admires that. Keeping the "wild" wild- not white-washing it, not making gay couples into "Leave it to Beaver,"...like, what happened to celebrating your deviation, your differentness, your refusal to conform to society, and even to rebel against humanity's own biological fate? Simply not having children is a huge protest. As a general rule, people who are interested in ideas and have a certain level of intelligence and curiosity become non-conformist automatically. Because it wakes you up to the fact about how our social mores are mostly biological programming, much of which is vestigial, and not applicable today- so people can, to some extent, quit being slaves to their biology. Even though they cannot escape it altogether, they can figure it out, many times, and then develop technology, medicine, etc., to get AROUND that biological dictate. I guess this post has two different lines of thought- but I hadn't written in awhile so I kind of got off on a tangent. :)

"A Very Easy Death"

I am copying an excerpt from the book "A Very Easy Death" by Simone De Beauvoir. This is a book about the death of her mother. I found this very profound, as my grandmother just died in March. She was 94, and had severe dementia for several years, but I still was very moved and upset by her death. I think that this book excerpt captures my feelings about it : "'He is certainly of an age to die.' The sadness of the old; their banishment; most of them do not think that this age has yet come for them. I too made use of this cliche, and that when I was referring to my mother. I did not understand that one might sincerely weep for a relative, a grandfather aged seventy and more. If I met a woman of fifty overcome with sadness because she had just lost her mother, I thought her neurotic: we are all mortal; at eighty you are quite old enough to be one of the dead... But it is not true. You do not die from being born, nor from having lived, nor from old age. You die from SOMETHING. The knowledge that because of her age my mother's life must soon come to an end did not lessen the horrible surprise: she had sarcoma. Cancer, thrombosis, pneumonia: it is as violent and unforeseen as an engine stopping in the middle of the sky. My mother encouraged one to be optimistic when, crippled with arthritis and dying, she asserted the infinite value of each instant; but her vain tenaciousness also ripped and tore the reassuring curtain of everyday triviality. There is no such thing as a natural death: nothing that happens to a man is ever natural, since his presence calls the world into question. All men must die: but for every man his death is an accident and, even if he knows it and consents to it, an unjustifiable violation."

More Sartrean Thought

One thing Sartre said a lot was, "I always try to think against myself." I think this is important to keep oneself from becoming complacent, arrogant, and intellectually flabby. It is challenging your own beliefs and ideas even though you may think you already have the truth. Without challenging yourself, eventually you may even forget the "truth" because you haven't been thinking about it in so long. Or you may remember what it is you think is true, but have no idea why you think that, and can't argue for your position. Sartre changed his philosophy and politics a lot over the years. He's hard to pin down. But he knew that life is change. Stagnation is death. I think it is interesting that recently, it seems, the accepted definition of a "flip-flopper" has expanded to include anyone who ever changes his or her mind about anything. As if you should, or could even, have all your ideas down pat at the age of majority and never bother to change and grow (or shrink, for that matter!). To me, a flip-flopper is someone who one day supports position A, and the next day supports position B- all because of what the media polls say or what your friends say or what Tim what's his name (with Susan Sarandon) or Bill O'Reilly says. A flip-flopper basically has no mind of her or his own. That is the polar opposite of someone like Sartre, who indeed had a mind of his own, came up with prolific original thought, and changed that thought frequently throughout the years. Not that he ever disavowed his previous writings - he just changed. And, as they say, change is good.

One-Question Quiz

Hi, take my one-question quiz and post your results! I am interested... A. The mind affects the body. B. The body affects the mind. C. Both- they affect each other. D. Neither- there is no mind. E. Neither- there is no body .

Vanity Fair's Back Page Proust Questionnaire

I thought it would be fun to answer the questions. These are my answers from back in December. Go ahead and answer them and post them here if you want to! I think the answers are good indicators of a person’s personality, even if the person is trying to avoid being serious. :) 1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? To be under no pressure, either external or internal.

2. What is your current state of mind? Sentimental, nostalgic, the holiday blues.

3. Who or what is the greatest love of your life? Certain members of my immediate family.

4. Which living person do you most admire? The ones I most admire are dead.

5. What is the quality you most like in a man? Intellectualism, having principles, having a calming, protective presence, commanding and giving respect.

6. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Independence and intellectualism.

7. What is your greatest extravagance? Books, books, and more books!

8. Which trait do you most deplore in others? Complacency, mediocrity, superficiality.

9. What is your greatest fear? Being eaten alive by sharks.

10. What do you think is the most overrated virtue? Martyrdom.

11. Which living person do you most despise? George W., I can’t help myself :).

12. When and where were you the happiest? Probably while a law student- perhaps I am a masochist :).

13. Which words/phrases do you most overuse? Any and all clichés.

14. Which talent would you most like to have? To be able to remember or forget at will.

15. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? To be less disturbed by life.

16. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? Don’t believe in reincarnation.

17. What is your most treasured possession? My cats.

18. What do you regard as the worst depth of misery? Being stuck in a mental hell.

19. What do you most value in your friends? Loyalty, having my back, no questions asked.

20. Who are your favorite writers? Franz Kafka, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Larry David.

21. Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Scrooge.

22. Who are your heroes in real life? Navy SEALs.

23. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Kafka.

24. How would you like to die? Blind-sided and fast.

25. What is your greatest regret? Spending years thinking regret is anything other than a figment of imagination.

26. What is your motto? Don’t really have one or live by one, but in general: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father (God).”- Jesus, in Matthew 10:29.

27. Which trait do you most deplore in yourself? Desire for approval.

28. What is your most marked characteristic? Indecision.

29. What do you most dislike about your appearance? Flabbiness.

30. On what occasion do you lie? When I feel backed against a wall.

31. What thing/situation do you most dislike? Minnesota drivers.

32. What do you consider to be your greatest achievement? Getting a law degree from a top-20 law school.

Sartre

Even though I totally disagree with Sartre's existentialism (b/c I do NOT believe in free will- scientifically, philosophically, and I dare say even, biblically, or religiously- disproven)- I admired him a lot- love reading his stuff, and one part of what he wrote really struck me. He said that the reason he wrote was to have an intellectual relationship with himself. Even though he had Simone de Beauvoir, and others, around him who were intellectuals and just as intelligent...he still felt misunderstood and people just need to be understood- it's an animal-level need, but a need nonetheless. I've thought that myself- I write a journal- have for years- and most of the time it feels like I"m writing in it to have that intellectual relationship with myself, b/c I don't feel like there's anyone else to have it with. And it's not because I don't have smart friends, because God knows I do...it's just that I, like Sarte, have felt like an outsider looking in for most of my life.

Posting an Essay I Wrote that Touches on the Problem of Suffering

Here's a link to an essay I wrote about my favorite author, Franz Kafka. It has always been one of my issues- to try to make sense of the "problem of evil" or suffering in this world. Although there are many theodicies, nothing seemed to really click with me. However, through reading Kafka, I came to a realization that his suffering actually created beautiful art for others. And you may ask, is that really fair- why did he have to suffer just so I can enjoy his art? Or, why couldn't his art have been created WITHOUT the suffering? Well, I believe it to be a yin-yang type of situation. You really can't have one thing without the other. You can't have good without bad, sweet without sour, up without down, black without white, etc. As much as we think that it is possible and desirable, it actually is not. Because without opposites, there is basically nothing. For example, if everyone is beautiful, then no one is beautiful. If you respect everyone without regard for anything, then you respect no one. I think you probably can see what I'm getting at. Anyway I'd appreciate any comments/criticisms about this essay: http://docs.google.com/Doc?id=dd38bnwq_3f63znthf

Hi, I've decided to join the bandwagon and create a blog...this one, I hope, will be somewhat different than most. Because it's not going to be "all about me," or about anyone's personal life (other than politicians'- LOL)...it's intended to be a place to discuss ideas. And yes, there is no right or wrong answer, no resolution, no light at the end of the tunnel, etc. That's the beauty (and ugliness) of ideas. They exist only in our minds; which can be incredibly liberating or incredibly frustrating, depending on your viewpoint. So anyway, I hope people will post things so this is not entirely going to be me going on and on about Kafka or Kierkegaard! Will post something of substance later this weekend!